Some Things Deserve to be Eaten

Turkeys are dumb as dirt.

Back on the Montana farm, I found myself saying sheep were dumb as dirt. Turkeys, however, make sheep look like pigs. And pigs, in case you didn’t know, are incredibly smart. I’d say that pigs are so smart, they make goats look like ducks, which are considerably smarter than turkeys. Of course, that’s only a comparison because goats are actually smarter than sheep, but ducks aren’t. Got it?

Turkeys just shouldn’t be alive by evolutionary standards. There’s no reason for these dumb birds to have survived for thousands of years in the wild. Whenever Jon or I walk across the lawn, they all flock toward us and follow so closely that they run under our feet. I’ve stepped on more than one, only to see them get up and run back under my feet on the next step. Whenever Jon or his mother move the car, the turkeys run right in front of it and just stand there watching the tires come toward them. Somebody has to come and shoo them away so the driver can escape without casualties. Yesterday, Jon was closing his trunk and a turkey shoved his head inside it just as it shut. Jon didn’t think it would survive, but it’s still clucking and still eager to shove its head into any other closing doors it can find. And never mind the caterpillars I try to feed them—they’d rather dig up my freshly planted garlic just to look at it, then dig up the next one.

Okay, so here’s my live poultry preference, in order of favorite to least favorite:

1. Ducks
2. Geese
3. Chickens
4. Disease-Carrying Pigeons
5. Turkeys

Geese could be on top if they weren’t so damn noisy in the middle of the night. And chickens are not only noisy, but annoying. They follow me around, too, but not as obsessively as turkeys. As long as it isn’t mating season, ducks are well behaved and relatively quiet (“relatively” being the key word). They can also make cool pets, depending on the breed.

Glad we go that all straightened out.

Oh yeah, and they're ugly, too.