A Martini Feast

There were plenty of pesky mosquitos in Oregon. I’ve dealt with my share of bloodsuckers on camping trips and river floats and I’ve learned to expect itchy arms and legs for a day or so before the bites heal and comfort resumes. The outdoor adventures are usually worth the inconvenience of some mild itching, so I never thought much about it and never bothered with repellents. Bug spray always seemed like one more thing to worry about that I didn’t really need in the first place. I did wonder if mosquitos would be more of an issue if I worked outside on a farm all day, but I also assumed that Utah's dry climate wouldn't be appealing to the little vampires, so I didn’t concern myself with it.

My first hint should have been when I saw the other volunteers each grab a new can of Off repellent before heading to the fields on my first day here, then throw the empty cans away at the end of the day. Being a natural foodist, I’m not a big fan of insect repellents that contain deet. Deet is a registered pesticide linked to a multitude of health problems, and I’m convinced it can lead to everything from brain damage and cancer to infertility and toenails falling off. I figured I’d just keep my arms and legs covered and deal with it. That worked fine for the first few days when all I did was cut and glue PVC pipes in the shade (with glue that probably also causes infertility). At the beginning of my second week, however, I worked in the fields and had a very different experience.

When I started digging irrigation ditches, I could hear buzzing around my ears and feel the occasional itch of a bite. It wasn’t pleasant, but easy to ignore and I was very proud that I could handle the bugs better than my fellow volunteers—they wore mosquito-net hats, sprayed themselves with Off every half hour and still whined and complained about the pests like frustrated kindergarteners. The bites became more frequent over the next couple days of digging, but were still tolerable. The real shock came when I started weeding.

My first day of yanking dandelions out of the ground almost pushed me to the edge. The grape vines are well-irrigated, and these bugs love water. The buzzing in my ears became incessant and little dark spots constantly fluttered around my face. My ears, neck and wrists—basically anything exposed—began to itch like nothing I ever felt before. I’m not talking about a wussy Oregon mosquito itch here, I’m talking about an itch that made me want to scrape all my skin off with a vegetable peeler if it would just go away. After a very restless night of sleep, I decided to take some precautions.

I still resisted the deadly deet, but wore a mosquito-net hat that covered my entire head and neck with a fine mesh lining. Thinking this netting was impenetrable, I developed a bit of a cocky attitude toward my new invincibility and marched out to the Riesling vines ready to pick a fight with a fleet of vampires. You know that scene in Terminator when he just walks through the police station unfazed while everybody is shooting at him? Yep… that was me.

I actually felt pretty good throughout the day. I could still hear the buzzing around me, but was sure they couldn’t get in and just kept working. I did have one bad experience when I pulled up a mound of grassy weeds that unearthed a large fire ant hill. I didn’t notice them swarming on the ground and just kept weeding until I felt something crawling up my arm. When I looked down, there were dozens of them scurrying into my gloves and up my arms. I never undressed so fast.

At the end of the day, I thought I had the bugs beat (aside from the ground troops) until I took off my mesh hat. That’s when I looked into the bathroom mirror and saw dozens—possibly hundreds—of tiny red dots across my forehead. They followed lines below my hairline, across my eyebrows and down the sides of my face. Twisting around a bit, I could see that the back of my neck was dotted with them as well.

This concerned me. The Brits didn’t have this problem, and they wore the mesh hats, too. I thought it must be a rash from the netting until I talked to Hosey about it. That’s when I learned that I wasn’t dealing with just mosquitos. “We have skeetos,” he said, “but it’s the flies and the no-see-ums that really get ya.” I knew we had horse flies and deer flies and other biting flies here, but they’re big and noticeable and not very popular. No-see-ums, however, were something I had never heard about. According to Hosey, they’re so small that they’re barely visible and can fly through a screen door—or a mesh mosquito hat. Once inside, they’re relatively protected by the same mesh I thought was protecting me and they can feast to their heart’s content. You can’t even feel their bites until they develop long afterward. It turns out the Brits douse their mesh hats with deet.

The next morning, I couldn't open my eyes all the way. Every one of those tiny dots on my face and neck had swelled to the size of a pea. I don't know if this was a normal reaction or if I have some kind of crazy allergy to invisible bugs, but it was intense. Yeah, I was a freak… and here’s a gross picture to prove it:

And here’s a picture of the fire ant bites:

Every single bite itched like hell. I’ve never done heroin, but I imagine that scratching these bites was similar; I knew it would only make the craving worse, but it felt SO good. Sleep didn’t happen for the next couple days.

Fortunately, I went to visit my sister in Santa Fe right after I was stricken. That’s good because Santa Fe has loads of health stores and I was able to stock up on some different varieties natural insect repellent (I may have caved on the repellent, but I’m still proud to be avoiding deet). I also surfed the net to seek out other natural solutions.

Here’s the new plan: wear light-colored clothing, stay covered as much as possible, avoid foods high in potassium such as bananas and peanut butter (give you an odor savory to bloodsuckers), apply a biodegradable liquid every two hours so that I smell like citrus, lemongrass and peppermint, and NO MESH HATS! Learned that vinegar and baking soda do wonders to help the bites heal quickly.

I also have a plan to kill a few bugs and impale their heads on toothpicks as a warning to others.

Just finished my first day back in the field and so far, so good. My face is also starting to look human again. Sleeping soundly, too. And I’m still taking a lot of pride in knowing that I can handle the bugs better than my British cohorts. None of them have had anything nearly as bad as what I had, but they still whine and freak out with far fewer, far smaller bites—with heavy deet usage. It may not be the noblest thing to be proud of, but I’m determined to show-up England and beat the bugs with all my toenails intact.